u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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