I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
