I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
