Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
