I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
