I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
