i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
