You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize