There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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