i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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