just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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