my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
