I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
