I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize