Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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