Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
