we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
