If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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