We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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