Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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