i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When are your genitals available?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
