i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
