dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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