My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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