saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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