I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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