so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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