My friends, they love my intelligence
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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