i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
