why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
