I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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