i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
