No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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