saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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