Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i think i just lost a toe
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
