Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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