is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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