I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
