thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize