I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
