I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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