You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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