We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize