soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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