Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
