how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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