i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
