Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
