I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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