Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(716): View more from New York

there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one

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(512): View more from Texas

I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.

Fav 19 1497 3429
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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(702): View more from Nevada

Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.

Fav 3 1091 3349
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(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

Fav 9 3184 1187
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(217): View more from Illinois

His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"

Fav 11 1715 958
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(613): View more from Ontario

I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.

Fav 1 147 91
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(785): View more from Kansas

I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.

Fav 0 47 6
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