I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
