singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
