Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
