If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
