Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
