so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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